Love Compiled.

It started with this email....

And then y'all responded.

As if words on Love had been resting on the tips of your tongues all this time.

As if Love's mysteries aren't so mysterious after all.

As if doing a great job at Loving is a supremely worthy collective cause. 

-------------Behold Our Love Compilation------------- 

(As instructions we'd give to our child selves)

1. Always remember that there has never been, and will never be someone like you, and that is a magical thing in itself which needs to be honored above all else.

2. Always remember you are worthy of the deepest Love, but understand that it must be cultivated in your own heart first. Love can only be received in balanced for what can be given.

3. Always remember there will be times when you will question everything that you know. This is called life experience, and take to heart, all must walk this path. This is the path to knowledge and the path to deeper Love.

4. In the darkest of times remember always, you are loved by me :) (A.S.)

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The joy that love brings can be astronomical. Having the utmost respect for another human being is a solid foundation to any kind of love story. (C.M.)

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There is one quote, from the great Tom Robbins, who said something along the lines of how we spend too much time searching for the perfect love instead of creating it. (G.M.)

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Two lovers were out walking and one turned to the other and asked 'how much do you love me?'. To which the other replied, 'that much' pointing to the horizon. 'And how much is that?' the first questioner asked. To which the reply came, ' I don't know but if we walk in that direction we can find out.' (B+)       

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"Unconditional Love” means loving with your entire heart - without expectations. It requires no barter system of I-will-love-you-if-you-do-this-and-give-me-that… It means loving a person for exactly who they are at any given time, limitations and baggage included. Only when we give (and receive) unconditional love can our hearts be truly open and capable of growth.  

Given the circumstances of our conditioning, love (rather, learning to love) can be inherently difficult for many of us… But no matter how many books/movies/television shows/songs/etc. tell you otherwise, it is not supposed to hurt. (K.V.B.)  

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When you experience pain do not always see it as a result of a bad decision or mistake; do not try to force it away.  Look at the pain you experience as a sign of change and growth and use it to guide you. (E.M.)

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Let yourself be vulnerable. While it might feel like being closed around someone is the best way to protect yourself, the strongest foundations of trust are built on opening up without knowing how it will turn out. (M.O.)

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Love is the way we inherently and naturally feel about one another. Love for all beings is in our DNA, every cell of our being, all the time, no matter what has happened to us or anyone else. I find that hopeful. Acting on this truth, instead of the recordings running around in our brain and the world about ourselves and others makes for a life full of joy, people, challenge and fun. (C.T.)

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Also in loving yourself, search out your passions.  We all have so many, large and small.  You know your passions by how good they make you feel when you do them.  From huge, grand accomplishments to tiny feel-good things, little random acts of kindness, Finishing Tasks, lovely personal rituals in day-to-day life, writing a caring letter, facing fears ... the list goes on eternally because each of us has in us our own bouquets of wonderful things that bring us pleasure, bring us love of where we are and what we are doing at the moment. (J.S.)

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If you're confused about how it works you're probably doing it right. Ride the feeling and strive for the best. Fuck up, get up and do it again until it sticks. Or until you pick the right tarot spread ;)(M.K.)

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1. There is infinite perfect love and there is human love.  Human love is never perfect.  Do not confuse the two and expect something that cannot be perfect to be so.

2. Just because you find yourself facing these lessons over and over doesn't mean you are a slow learner.  It is life's nature to repeat, especially when you do not control the way the world turns. (B.F.)

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The river becomes the waterfall

the fall becomes the crash

leap into love

and rocks will turn to sand.

Did you see the Sun spill across the horizon,

and pour love all over the mountain?

Did you see the light that offered itself 

to the little waves on the lake?

We know nothing until we see love in this way.

The Sun is 93 million miles away.  

There is a glint of light on your eyelashes.  

How far will you go for love?

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1. Don't be vengeful to anyone, even though they hurt you, you don't have to do the same.

2. Be open to different beliefs. Have your own set of values and be able to take in others with out judgment. (J.H.)

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Don't take yourself too seriously. Find someone who you can laugh and play with and makes you feel young at heart. If you plan on growing old with someone, try to find someone that makes you feel young and happy along the way. (D.R.)

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Some misquoted quotes to talk about leveling the playing field:

+ "You set your own worth and the world will never bargain with it."

+ "The people who founded the society we live in today were no smarter than us."

Don't let their rules be your final say. Your thoughts and creativity are just as valid and powerful and have as much value as only you allow.

Inner scarcity is a man-made farce. There is enough, you are enough. You can't mess this up, it is your birthright.

Guilt is a man-made farce. Use the tools of self-gratitude and responsibility to unhook from this snare.

Listen to your intuition by being still. Don't be discouraged when you're confused, allow it. When you are still, illumination always comes.

When you set yourself free, you also release the generations that come before and after you. (T.D.)

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The universe expands when friends, lovers, family, expand together.  Otherwise we remain small. (A.T.)

(If you missed your chance to submit your entry and would like to share your Love instructions - comment away! Get crazy on that Love business).

It started with this email....

friends, fams, loves, 

This is not for blogs, just an e-mail - as I've taken a break to write other things.  What I miss most about blogging is making regular contact with you. And so I'm back to share something with the hopes that we can grow it together to become the biggest fattest compendium of Love.

tonight in my writing workshop, we had a little extra time for an exercise.  The prompt was to write for 15 minutes on instructions we would give to our child-self.  

I, of course, wrote to my child self about.. well... eh hem. yes.  

Love:

1) Only spend time with people who make you feel appreciated and beautiful.  If you have more energy when you part, rather than less or even neutral, this is a good sign.

2) Never stop doing what's best for you - for your health, creative and professional progress, etc. - at the expense of another.  Chances are, if they require that much sacrifice, your best interest in not a priority of theirs.

3) Take things slow.  It takes a lot of time to get to know the ins and outs of a person - and when you first start getting to know someone you're feeling sparky for, there are all kinds of bodily chemicals distorting logic and reality.  Be cool.

4) Learn how to be alone.  Never use love as a savior from feelings of desperate loneliness.

5) Never deny yourself the right to love.  From your first days to your last, you are always deserving, always worthy.

6) Red flags are there for a reason.  Excuses will always only amount to the disappointment that comes from empty promises.  

7) Feel happy for others when they fall in love even when you're not.  This is hope and evidence that it's real and possible.  

8) Don't fear a broken heart.  If you're lucky, it at some point will happen, and it will hurt like a bitch, and you will survive - and you will be so much stronger and self-aware as a result.  The ones that don't work teach us the most about what we really need and care about.  

9) Be kind to yourself.  No one's ever going to love you as much as you can love you.  And sometimes that love means saying goodbye to a love that doesn't fit the bill.

 

10) Please add yours.  One or 10.  Whatever flows.  Let's teach each other everything we know about love so we can do it together in the best ways we know how.

I'll compile the final draft and send it back to y'all.    

     

Love,

Halley 

The Divinity of Loneliness.

Any real-deal personal growth process requires some uncomfortable and intentional hard. ass. work... as no one's coming out changed for the better without a thorough examination into the realities and roots of our deepest fears.  I’d imagine that what lives in the darkest caves of the soul is a special little concoction of horrifying ingredients somehow unique to each of us. Yet, through my fascination with fear facing, I keep noticing how many of our concoctions have fear of impending loneliness as a primary ingredient.  It is, without question, a big one for me.  And because it’s such a big one for me and so many others I know and love so well… then, hey, let's get talking about it already.  Ya dig?

Hafiz, a 14^th century Persian mystic poet, wrote this poem (as translated by Daniel Ladinsky): 

The Quintessence of Loneliness

I am like a heroin addict in my longing for

A sublime state, for that ground of Conscious

Nothing where the Rose ever blooms.

O, the Friend has done me a great favor and

So thoroughly ruined my life; what else would

You expect seeing God would do!

Out of the ashes of this broke frame there

Is a noble rising son pining for death, because

Since we first met, Beloved,

I have become a foreigner to every world

Except that one in which there is only You—

Or Me.

Now that the heart has held that which can

Never be touched, my subsistence is a blessed

Desolation, and from that I cry for more

Loneliness.

I am lonely.  I am so lonely, dear Beloved, for

The quintessence of loneliness.  For what is more

Alone than God?

Hafiz, what is more pure and alone, what is as

Magnificently sovereign as God?

The common feeling, especially in relation to romantic relationships, is that if you aren’t in one, then you are alone.  And if you are alone, then you are lonely.  And if you are lonely, then that is bad, because it’s fucking terrifying and can feel like it’s going to last forever.  But when we choose to lean into this uncomfortable space, we begin to find that there’s so much essential sacredness in it.  This is where we really get to see ourselves because we aren’t reflecting the image of anyone else.  This is where we take responsibility for our own happiness.  This is where we figure out the kinds of people we really want to be with, where we do our deepest soul searching, and where we learn what it means to be graceful with ourselves, and eventually truly learn to love ourselves.  When we can embrace the divinity of loneliness, we can genuinely be with others because we are no longer dependent on them staying around forever.   We don’t need to manipulate people with guilt trips, victimization, and passive aggression.  We don’t need to feel eternally wounded by old rejections and abandonment.  We can just feel pure gratitude for the time that we have, with the knowledge that all relationships are subject to change and loss at some point or another.   I’m not suggesting that it’s cool to be alone all the time, as that’s an unhealthy end of the spectrum, but I am suggesting that sitting in and eventually surpassing the pain of loneliness might be one of the hugest accomplishments for overall life success.

I’m reading a book right now called, “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel (a pretty revolutionary text on love, sex, desire, and intimacy) and she takes it a step further, speaking on the essentialness of loneliness within a relationship.  I’m just going to quote a big fat chunk of it because it’s truly worth sharing:   

…We seek intimacy to protect ourselves from feeling alone; and yet creating the distance essential to eroticism means stepping back from the comfort of our partner and feeling more alone.  I suggest that our ability to tolerate our separateness—and the fundamental insecurity it engenders—is a precondition for maintaining interest and desire in a relationship.  Instead of always striving for closeness, I argue that couples may be better off cultivating their separate selves.  If cultivating separateness sounds harsh, let’s think of it instead as nurturing a sense of selfhood.  The French psychologist Jacques Salome talks about the need to develop a personal intimacy with one’s own self as a counterbalance to the couple.  There is beauty in an image that highlights a connection to oneself, rather than a distance from one’s partner.  In our mutual intimacy we make love, we have children, and we share physical space and interests.  Indeed, we blend the essential parts of our lives.  But “essential” does not mean “all.”  Personal intimacy demarcates a private zone, one that requires tolerance and respect.  It is a space—physical, emotional, and intellectual—that belongs only to me.  Not everything needs to be revealed.  Everyone should cultivate a secret garden.

And so now I’m working on shifting my relationship to loneliness.  Instead of relating to it as a temporary condition that will hopefully someday be healed, I’m learning that it’s actually an essential part of all of life stages, to be embraced forever.  Which, I don’t know about you, but for me feels like the biggest relief of all time. 

The fight’s over.  Loneliness wins.    

Never has loneliness been so glorious.

No Ifs, Whens, or Thens About It.

Bargaining. 

A recurring story line that plays out in the head and goes a little something like this:

If/when ___________________, then_________________________.

aaaaalright, I’ll fill in the blanks with a less-than-flattering recurring bargaining scenario from my own brain, as such scenarios tend to go that way:

WHEN [and sometimes ‘IF’ depending on my self-esteem stature] I become successful in a career as a writer-teacher-artist, THEN I’ll be ready and worthy of True Love.

(That was really uncomfortable to write just so you know. But I did it…I did it for you.)

Trista and I have this book we call “The Daily”.  It’s actually called The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie, and is made up of daily little ditty’s that support a person’s healing journey from co-dependent relationships.  Every evening after we finish a super slammin’ home-cooked meal that we alternate in preparing for one another, we break out The Daily and soak in the wisdom.  Topics include things like: trust, letting go, anger, prayer, acceptance, all 12 steps of the 12-step program, and many, upon many other areas (totaling 365) that are worth sitting with and processing in some capacity.  And so we read, and then we take turns talking about how the specific theme applies to our historic and current realities. 

The other day, we read about denial.  The dirty little joke about denial (the book tells us) is that you can’t know that you’re in it when you’re in it because that’s the whole dang nature of it.  It’s not until some time passes and you can reflect on a past version of yourself to see what you were in total denial about [ooouuuchh moment], and then actively work toward adjusting/understanding the behavior in present time.  And so Trista and I sat thinking for a minute… “Hmmm... I wonder what I’m in denial about? Well, no way to know!”

Moving on.

One day later, we read about bargaining.  We were both hazily familiar with this 

term, had heard it contextualized as one of the grief stages – sandwiched between anger and depression – yet both of us had kind of glossed over it as not being that important because it felt kind of obscure and was mostly associated with a savvy consumer activity.  But as we read more about the nature of bargaining - which is basically the act of trying to negotiate with reality, vacillating between believing there is something we can do to change things, and realizing that there’s not, it all became a lot more real for us.  When it was time for our reflections, we both sort of confessed that we do that sometimes.  And then we thought about it more, and realized that we don’t just do it sometimes, we do it all the freaking time! For almost everything!

“And so,” we began to slowly unravel, “if we are constantly cutting deals with ourselves...all the time, about almost everything, what would it be like...to not?”

And that’s when it happened.

BREAKTHROUGH.

To not say, “When I’m working successfully as a writer-teacher-artist, then I’ll be ready and worthy of True Love,” means that I’m ready and worthy of True Love……Today! Go. Figure.  

To not reflect on the past by saying, “If I wasn’t so naïve in such and such situation, then I wouldn’t have gotten all hurt and stuff,” means that I can truly move on from those past pains and kick all those if’s, when’s, and then’s to the curb. Sayonara SUCKERS!

What bargaining really seems to be is another subconscious control mechanism (why have we humans developed so many of these?) that only really functions to make us feel inadequate while seriously limiting our potential. 

I honestly have no idea what a bargain-free existence looks like, but something tells me that it’s rooted in some super powerful acceptance.  Accepting what was, what is, and what will be – without taking so much ownership of past rejections and hurts. 

And what’s SO great about tackling this particularly daily is that it has a very consistent format [remember: ifs/whens, and thens] which makes it very easy to detect.  Because the first step, always the first step in any active healing and growing process is awareness.  Catching yourself in the midst of a bargain and being like, “Aaaah snap! I’m doing it again!” And then sitting with it for a minute and asking, “What’s this bargain reeeeeeaaaally about?”