Any real-deal personal growth process requires some uncomfortable and intentional hard. ass. work... as no one's coming out changed for the better without a thorough examination into the realities and roots of our deepest
fears. I’d imagine that what lives
in the darkest caves of the soul is a special little concoction of horrifying ingredients somehow unique to each of us. Yet, through my fascination with fear facing, I keep
noticing how many of our concoctions have fear
of impending loneliness as a primary ingredient. It is, without question, a big one for
me. And because it’s such a big
one for me and so many others I know and love so well… then, hey, let's get talking about it already. Ya dig?
Hafiz, a 14th century Persian mystic
poet, wrote this poem (as translated by Daniel Ladinsky):
The Quintessence of Loneliness
I am like
a heroin addict in my longing for
A sublime
state, for that ground of Conscious
Nothing
where the Rose ever blooms.
O, the
Friend has done me a great favor and
So
thoroughly ruined my life; what else would
You
expect seeing God would do!
Out of
the ashes of this broke frame there
Is a
noble rising son pining for death, because
Since we
first met, Beloved,
I have
become a foreigner to every world
Except
that one in which there is only You—
Or Me.
Now that
the heart has held that which can
Never be
touched, my subsistence is a blessed
Desolation,
and from that I cry for more
Loneliness.
I am
lonely. I am so lonely, dear
Beloved, for
The
quintessence of loneliness. For
what is more
Alone than
God?
Hafiz,
what is more pure and alone, what is as
Magnificently
sovereign as God?
The
common feeling, especially in relation to romantic relationships, is that if
you aren’t in one, then you are alone.
And if you are alone, then you are lonely. And if you are lonely, then that is bad, because it’s
fucking terrifying and can feel like it’s going to last forever. But when we choose to lean into this
uncomfortable space, we begin to find that there’s so much essential sacredness
in it. This is where we really get
to see ourselves because we aren’t reflecting the image of anyone else. This is where we take responsibility
for our own happiness. This is
where we figure out the kinds of people we really want to be with, where we do
our deepest soul searching, and where we learn what it means to be graceful
with ourselves, and eventually truly learn to love ourselves. When we can embrace the divinity of loneliness, we can
genuinely be with others because we are no longer dependent on them staying around forever. We don’t need to
manipulate people with guilt trips, victimization, and passive aggression. We don’t need to feel eternally wounded
by old rejections and abandonment.
We can just feel pure gratitude for the time that we have, with the knowledge
that all relationships are subject to change and loss at some point or
another. I’m not suggesting
that it’s cool to be alone all the time, as that’s an unhealthy end of the
spectrum, but I am suggesting that sitting in and eventually surpassing the
pain of loneliness might be one of the hugest accomplishments for overall life
success.I’m reading a book right now called, “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel (a pretty revolutionary text on love, sex, desire, and intimacy) and she takes it a step further, speaking on the essentialness of loneliness within a relationship. I’m just going to quote a big fat chunk of it because it’s truly worth sharing:
…We seek intimacy to protect ourselves from feeling
alone; and yet creating the distance essential to eroticism means stepping back
from the comfort of our partner and feeling more alone. I suggest that our ability to tolerate
our separateness—and the fundamental insecurity it engenders—is a precondition
for maintaining interest and desire in a relationship. Instead of always striving for
closeness, I argue that couples may be better off cultivating their separate
selves. If cultivating
separateness sounds harsh, let’s think of it instead as nurturing a sense of
selfhood. The French psychologist
Jacques Salome talks about the need to develop a personal intimacy with one’s
own self as a counterbalance to the couple. There is beauty in an image that highlights a connection to
oneself, rather than a distance from one’s partner. In our mutual intimacy we make love, we have children, and
we share physical space and interests.
Indeed, we blend the essential parts of our lives. But “essential” does not mean “all.” Personal intimacy demarcates a private
zone, one that requires tolerance and respect. It is a space—physical, emotional, and intellectual—that
belongs only to me. Not everything
needs to be revealed. Everyone
should cultivate a secret garden.
And so now I’m working on shifting my relationship
to loneliness. Instead of relating
to it as a temporary condition that will hopefully someday be healed, I’m
learning that it’s actually an essential part of all of life stages, to be
embraced forever. Which, I don’t
know about you, but for me feels like the biggest relief of all time.
The fight’s over. Loneliness wins.
Never has loneliness been so glorious.
