No Ifs, Whens, or Thens About It.

Bargaining. 

A recurring story line that plays out in the head and goes a little something like this:

If/when ___________________, then_________________________.

aaaaalright, I’ll fill in the blanks with a less-than-flattering recurring bargaining scenario from my own brain, as such scenarios tend to go that way:

WHEN [and sometimes ‘IF’ depending on my self-esteem stature] I become successful in a career as a writer-teacher-artist, THEN I’ll be ready and worthy of True Love.

(That was really uncomfortable to write just so you know. But I did it…I did it for you.)

Trista and I have this book we call “The Daily”.  It’s actually called The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie, and is made up of daily little ditty’s that support a person’s healing journey from co-dependent relationships.  Every evening after we finish a super slammin’ home-cooked meal that we alternate in preparing for one another, we break out The Daily and soak in the wisdom.  Topics include things like: trust, letting go, anger, prayer, acceptance, all 12 steps of the 12-step program, and many, upon many other areas (totaling 365) that are worth sitting with and processing in some capacity.  And so we read, and then we take turns talking about how the specific theme applies to our historic and current realities. 

The other day, we read about denial.  The dirty little joke about denial (the book tells us) is that you can’t know that you’re in it when you’re in it because that’s the whole dang nature of it.  It’s not until some time passes and you can reflect on a past version of yourself to see what you were in total denial about [ooouuuchh moment], and then actively work toward adjusting/understanding the behavior in present time.  And so Trista and I sat thinking for a minute… “Hmmm... I wonder what I’m in denial about? Well, no way to know!”

Moving on.

One day later, we read about bargaining.  We were both hazily familiar with this 

term, had heard it contextualized as one of the grief stages – sandwiched between anger and depression – yet both of us had kind of glossed over it as not being that important because it felt kind of obscure and was mostly associated with a savvy consumer activity.  But as we read more about the nature of bargaining - which is basically the act of trying to negotiate with reality, vacillating between believing there is something we can do to change things, and realizing that there’s not, it all became a lot more real for us.  When it was time for our reflections, we both sort of confessed that we do that sometimes.  And then we thought about it more, and realized that we don’t just do it sometimes, we do it all the freaking time! For almost everything!

“And so,” we began to slowly unravel, “if we are constantly cutting deals with ourselves...all the time, about almost everything, what would it be like...to not?”

And that’s when it happened.

BREAKTHROUGH.

To not say, “When I’m working successfully as a writer-teacher-artist, then I’ll be ready and worthy of True Love,” means that I’m ready and worthy of True Love……Today! Go. Figure.  

To not reflect on the past by saying, “If I wasn’t so naïve in such and such situation, then I wouldn’t have gotten all hurt and stuff,” means that I can truly move on from those past pains and kick all those if’s, when’s, and then’s to the curb. Sayonara SUCKERS!

What bargaining really seems to be is another subconscious control mechanism (why have we humans developed so many of these?) that only really functions to make us feel inadequate while seriously limiting our potential. 

I honestly have no idea what a bargain-free existence looks like, but something tells me that it’s rooted in some super powerful acceptance.  Accepting what was, what is, and what will be – without taking so much ownership of past rejections and hurts. 

And what’s SO great about tackling this particularly daily is that it has a very consistent format [remember: ifs/whens, and thens] which makes it very easy to detect.  Because the first step, always the first step in any active healing and growing process is awareness.  Catching yourself in the midst of a bargain and being like, “Aaaah snap! I’m doing it again!” And then sitting with it for a minute and asking, “What’s this bargain reeeeeeaaaally about?”