Who's With You?

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

–Theodore Roosevelt

April 23, 1910

In her book, Daring Greatly, Brene Brown talks about the impact of Teddy’s speech on her personal transformation.  What she came to realize was that the people who love her, the one’s she really depends on are never the critics in the stands, pointing at her while she stumbles.  The people who really matter are not in the bleachers at all, but in the arena… fighting for and with her.  She decided that to evaluate her worthiness by weighing reactions of the people in the stands is nothing but a horrible waste of time.  Because the people who love her will remain in her arena, no matter where she’s at in her process of discovery, no matter the foreseeable outcome.

And then there’s that thing… that heart-wrenching reality that sometimes we’re deep in someone’s arena, while they are just sorta chillin’ up in our stands.  And at other times, we’re hanging out up in the bleachers of someone who has a full-fledged investment in our arena.  Trying to bring light to this heartbreaking/confusing/uncomfortable occurrence with my new roomy Mel… we just sort of each took turns asking, “What do you do…?”

It at some point becomes a matter of how long we fight someone’s fight who won’t fight ours.  With guiding beliefs that everyone deserves love and support, how much of ourselves are we willing to give up when support is not mutually exchanged?  There are a million factors and variables and gray areas that we can spend a lifetime dissecting as to why so-and-so is not in our arena, and then there's this simple fact: When someone is not in our arena, they are in the stands.  And when they are in the stands, there is no safety for us in their arena, resulting in unhealthy sacrifice.  The beautiful thing about these experiences are that they remind us of who is in our arena… which in the long run, amounts to balanced sacrifice, for when we are safe in someone’s arena, they’re safe in ours too. 

Confusion. Struggle. Loss. Heartbreak. Sickness. Death. Change. 

Inevitable processes of the human experience.  And it’s at these times that there is really only one thing that matters:

And that’s WHO. 

Who’s with you?

Who’s there to hold your hand? Pick up the phone in the middle of the night? Make you chicken soup? 

Who’s there to offer you just the words you need, or nothing at all, but simply be there because they care?

Who supports your process? 

Who believes in your dreams?

We can’t learn to be vulnerable and courageous on our own, and sometimes our first and greatest dare is asking for the support we need.  When we are asking someone who’s in our arena, there’s an unspoken agreement that someday we will return the favor.  Being in each other’s arenas is a commitment and responsibility… yet one that ultimately has the highest return of ANYTHING we are capable of investing. 

Through our investment we’re saying… “I’m with you. In the arena. And if we fail, we’ll fail together, while daring greatly.”

“…Love like your life depends on it.  Cuz it does.”

–Michael Franti